everything outside of us mirrors something from within
I thought it’s finally time
to say goodbye
to my near-insufferable soliloquies
on my desires
and longings for you.
I was wrong.
The very last time
you hold me in your arms,
so tight that it
stirred up the feelings
I might have forgotten
and thought I’d finally outgrown.
The touch of your finger sent
waves of awareness to me.
They kept flooding back
in ways that titillated me to no end.
I need a ceremony
to properly say goodbye to
those countless hours when
I endured myself in solitude,
noticing the imperceptible
yet utterly transformative shifts in the heart
The sadness rose up before me
was larger than any I have ever seen
but I was not frightened –
there is ineffable beauty when
the new has entered into me,
through the hole you’ve taken away
A wave of emotions hit me again
Wind blows from afar
the wave is mournfully washing against the shore
and overflowing from my eyes
who insist to stare at you
just as how you penetrated me,
passionately declared your terriotiry
and evacuated my battle field
only leaving wounded me
standing there
watching
wind blows from afar
It goes around in circles
you know
it’s the feeling that
when you are
leaving a city where
you once cried and
laughed your heart out
and you realize that
friendships you formed
people you let in
and bared your soul to
will fade away
to make spaces for new encounters
you pray for that numbness
as if it can ease your pain
of uprooting yourself from
the life
you planted on this ground
with your very heart
and every stores you passed by
steps you walked
faces you remember
are becoming this ineffable sting
called one last time
—- I miss you
The moment you walked
into my life, ignited
a part of my consciousness
I did not know existed.
I kept drowning,
sank beneath your wisdom
like a stone.
In your deepest and
furtherest inner land,
I see wounds that never heal;
fears that were never shown;
I see wild fire burning,
fire that ignited
your insatiable passion.
I hear stories in your deep voice,
stories that have never been told,
and will be named silence.
I kissed your chest and your scars,
I stared at you deeply,
only wanting to reach your depth,
touch the darknesses,
and tell you — they are
the most beautiful artworks
that I’ve ever seen.
Don’t hold it back,
let yourself be
vulnerably seen
and loved.
If you ever let me,
If you ever let me.
I watched
a movie today.
It’s called
on the beach
at night alone.
She gently touches
and kisses a flower,
soothing my wrenching
pain of loss and longing.
I broke down in tears.
She curled up on the sand,
staring out to sea —
you appear on the horizon,
standing in the mist
With a straight face.
No expression, no expression.
“Watching the bright stars
shining, thinking of
the universe and the future”.
It is these melancholy
and unspectacular moments
that penetrate me.
Just like how loneliness
makes me tremble, but
brings ineffable pleasure,
as I’m finding my solace
in nature.
Color’s changing hue.
Morning river of blue reflections,
green ripples stirred by faint breeze,
black stones gently kissed by rising sun,
All reflected in runner’s eyes of summer palette.
“Why do you read such sad stories?”, you looked puzzled.
“I guess I like stories that have emotional depth and intricacy.” — this wasn’t a well-thought-out answer.
I’m always so gravitate toward melancholy and heavyhearted art — movies, fictions, music, photography… and seek to gain a deeper understanding of struggles and longings of human being. This comes so natural me that I’ve never consciously attempted to explain.
Not until recently did I start to wonder — why exactly am I so drawn to human’s wounds and heartbreaks, and find melancholy so beautiful? I think the most profound insights of human nature only emerges in darkness, sadness and hidden brokenness.
Brokenness is the gateway to the deepest region of one’s psyche. It lies in your deep heart where pretentiousness dies and only elements of truth are present. The most profound light of realizations only come through the cracks in your broken heart. And only by immersing oneself in darkness can one see the light.
Yet most people try to hide the dark side of their stories. But I want to hear them and touch them dearly — because there’s raw beauty embedded in those stories, which reveal humanity in its entirety.
Only by being fully open and let yourself be vulnerably seen and loved, and let others’ pain penetrate your blood and bone, can one claim that you’ve experienced life deeply and with clarity.
I walked along the river again,
smelling the damp plants and trees from the past.
The mist from those days gently kissed my face again,
awakening my emotions that have been gradually realized,
soothing my soul that still longs for the past.
Nature possesses a rustic beauty that’s raw, wise, imperfect
and yet vivid —
like a poem that cracks me.
The light coming through the cracks is a reflection
of my long-forgotten consciousness
that is yet to be awakened.
Yet the poet who illuminated numerous strands of my emotions
disappeared when he was singing an elegy.
Sometimes emotions are sinked to the bottom
without you noticing them.
But most of the time,
you watch them flow;
you watch them closely.
You taste, you touch, you listen.
You hold them closest to your heart,
and examine them inch by inch.
And just before they are about to
float to the surface,
you chose to bury them,
and never let them show.
Your heart became a deep ocean of secrets.
